safenthecity: (PD confused priests)
[personal profile] safenthecity
LJ, I feel it important for you to know... that I forgive your sins.

Translation: my sister is having a bitch of a time finding someone to officiate her wedding, so we're getting me ordained.

Online.

Yes, I am laughing about this just as much as you are.

Date: 2010-07-02 07:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nobleplatypus.livejournal.com
Does the include online exorcism training? Because I imagine that would be BEYOND HILARIOUS.

Date: 2010-07-02 07:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] safenthecity.livejournal.com
Ahahah, no. Alas.

But it does explain how to grant absolution. So for now, I'll go with that.

Think it counts if I wander around campus forgiving random people?

Date: 2010-07-02 09:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nobleplatypus.livejournal.com
Oh my gosh... you'd be like a ninja for Christ. Which sounds like a weird Saturday morning cartoon. The Devil would be lurking behind trees or poking his head out of manholes and going, "Bwa ha haaa, soon, that sinner will die, and his soul will be mine!" And then you'd be like, "Not TODAY, Satan!" and you'd grant the dude absolution right before he got hit by a truck, and Satan would be like, "DAMN!" and you'd be like, "Don't you mean... BLESS?" or some other less stupid one-liner. And it would be a happy ending, even though the guy still died.

Date: 2010-07-02 10:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] safenthecity.livejournal.com
AHAHAHAH. YES. That will be EXACTLY how it goes down! I will do drive-by absolution, saving the souls of sinners by surprise!

And there will be a trusty sidekick, ever ready to make wry comments about the irony of the quarter-Jewish atheist ensuring the salvation of the world.

Date: 2010-07-02 10:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nobleplatypus.livejournal.com
Of COURSE you would have a trusty sidekick (Altar Boy??)! And there would be a big continuous story arc that consists of the devil trying to get YOUR soul, so you'd have an excuse to utter lines like, "I've forgiven so many people... but can I ever forgive myself?"

Date: 2010-07-02 10:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] safenthecity.livejournal.com
Indeed. The tag-line would be something like, "She saves your souls. But who will save her?"

Or something cleverer, from a mind not addled with allergies.

But naturally the devil will be after MY soul, for if I am damned, then I can no longer save the souls of others.

But who shall be my morally ambiguous love interest?

Date: 2010-07-02 10:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nobleplatypus.livejournal.com
SYLAR, that's who!

And there can be some epic battle in which Altar Boy nobly sacrifices his life so you may live, and we find out he was SECRETLY JESUS THE WHOLE TIME.

This is the best cartoon EVER.

Oh, we are so going to hell

Date: 2010-07-02 11:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kingofdoma.livejournal.com
Can Richard Dawkins and Lady Gaga be guest villains? Oh, and there should be a League of Televangelists. They're probably responsible for more people going to hell than anyone...

Re: Oh, we are so going to hell

Date: 2010-07-02 11:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kappamaki33.livejournal.com
Is it weird that I want to watch this now? :D

Re: Oh, we are so going to hell

Date: 2010-07-03 12:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] safenthecity.livejournal.com
It's not weird at all. I kind of want to make it now. :D

Re: Oh, we are so going to hell

Date: 2010-07-03 12:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] safenthecity.livejournal.com
The League will TOTALLY be my ongoing enemy, doing Satan's bidding.

But I shall be so torn when Gaga and Dawkins show up. I shall have an anguished monologue about it. "They were the heroes of my youth! How can I ever face them down??"

And I will resolve to do salvationary battle... and then when they're in front of me I shall be reduced to a gawking fangirl. And then I shall come to my senses, with Altar Boy's help, and quickly save them both.

Does that raise ethical dilemas? Absolution without consent? More angst for me!

Oh, we are so going to hell

Date: 2010-07-03 01:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kingofdoma.livejournal.com
Oh, and since Satan fulfills your standard "ultimate enemy/Galactus" slot, your "evil equivalent/Venom" slot could be filled by a liberal Christian! You'd have to stop his twisted plan to take people to *GASP* an Episcopalian church!

Re: Oh, we are so going to hell

Date: 2010-07-03 03:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] virginia-fell.livejournal.com
This has been an incredible exchange.

Re: Oh, we are so going to hell

Date: 2010-07-03 04:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] safenthecity.livejournal.com
Why thank you, my child. The aim of my ministry is to entertain. :) Salvation through humor is my tactic!

Date: 2010-07-03 12:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] safenthecity.livejournal.com
YES. And we will mourn Altar Boy, but his sacrifice will have ensured my own personal salvation... and then three days later he'll be back and ready for action! And we prance off into the sunset for more holy salvation!

Date: 2010-07-03 04:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nobleplatypus.livejournal.com
Season two, we can bring in the apostles! Only they'll all be young, hip teenagers instead of older dudes! EPIC.

Date: 2010-07-03 04:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] safenthecity.livejournal.com
Oh, totally. And some of them will be hot chicks.

But, oh, does Judas betray me, or Altar Boy? I don't know!

Oh, we are so going to hell

Date: 2010-07-03 03:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kingofdoma.livejournal.com
Judy Iscariot would be like those cute girls the government gets to check if stores are carding... (almost) too hot to say no to!

Date: 2010-07-02 08:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] trovia.livejournal.com
You guys are all so weird. ;)

Date: 2010-07-02 08:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] safenthecity.livejournal.com
Why, why do you mean? What in the world is weird about an atheist becoming a minister? That's perfectly normal! ;)

Date: 2010-07-02 11:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] trovia.livejournal.com
Yeah. That. Weird. ;)

Date: 2010-07-03 04:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] safenthecity.livejournal.com
Heh. To clarify, it's a completely non-denominational church. They actually are cool with ordaining not only atheists, but people who are actively anti-religion.

I think they might make me a Jedi, if I asked. :D

Date: 2010-07-04 12:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brennanspeaks.livejournal.com
Ah, but are you a priestess of the Flying Spaghetti Monster yet? ;D

I think they might make me a Jedi, if I asked.

You totally should!

Date: 2010-07-04 12:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] safenthecity.livejournal.com
Alas, Flying Spaghetti Monster isn't offered. But Minister of Rock'n'Roll is.

AS IS JEDI KNIGHT. My sister wants me to be a Sith Lord, though, so I figure all I need to do is become a Jedi and then become evil, right?

Date: 2010-07-06 12:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] riddlemesphinx.livejournal.com
WAIT DOES THIS MEAN I'VE BEEN PROMOTED TO MAID OF HONOR!?

;]

Date: 2010-07-06 01:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] safenthecity.livejournal.com
Ahaha, possibly! That was one of the first things I asked, "So who's your maid of honor??" and she was like, "You can be both!"

But I don't know if that's going to be the case. I'm still trying to figure out what I need to show the county clerk's office to be able to do this for real.

Anyway, so excited to get to see you in a few weeks!

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